Critique writing? Is it good for a teenager? ?

first of all it shouldn't matter if you are a teenager or not. good writing is good writing. you shouldn't want people to cut you some slack just because of your age. now my critique. it doesn't seem realistic it's like you're trying to put to much in such a tiny piece. slow down child. you are telling way too much. i'm not going to say it's boring cause honestly it's not it's just pretty overwhelming for me and i don't really understand what's going on.